"Growing Old Ain't for......"

 My late father would often repeat a quote attributed to Bette Davis: "Growing old ain't for sissies!"...except he wouldn't us the word "sissies" (he was a sailor. You can figure out what he really said). 

Its a cute way to describe the aches and pains that come with aging. As I can now say, by any measure, that I have more "yesterday's" than "tomorrow's" left in me, I appreciate the truth in the statement. I don't think my Dad or Ms. Davis meant it as just some sort of declaration of courage and nobility in enduring physical decay. I think they also meant it did require strength to endure change: Loss of loved ones, evolving relationships, societal changes, and so on. As we age, we of course develop a personal history of events that lengthens each day we live. The older we get, the more change we will have inevitably experienced. 

Different people deal with change differently. I have encountered people who accept change and welcome it as a means to learn and grow. More often than not, however, I've encountered people who, to varying degrees, feared change, responding with anger, and denial. Fear of change coupled with aging seems to make for angry old people.

I don't believe anyone is entirely fearless or fearful. People are dynamic creatures. But people do have dispositions, habits, and such. Chances are, if you were afraid of change in 20's or 30's, that would manifest in bitterness as life rolled on,,,,unless an epiphany or events intervened. 

In this moment in my 54th year, I can gratefully say that I have experienced an epiphany or two. I've walked through some very fearful moments of loss, pain, and despair. I've also failed miserably to do so elegantly and gracefully. I have had to evolve in my thinking on many things, including politics, religion, even music. I've had to let go of long-held assumptions that have been proven wrong or no longer relevant. I've had to accept that some things I thought so important in my younger days weren't. I've learned that my perceptions of certain people and institutions were flawed and had to acknowledge as such. Above anything, I'm continuing to realize, with varying degrees of humility or humiliation, how little control I have in the flow of life. Yes, there are things I can control (my conduct) but there are so many things I must accept as beyond my control. This is why The Serenity Prayer is such a guide for me:

I, by no means, practice acceptance perfectly. But, as the beard grows grayer, it remains my daily aspiration to do better today than yesterday....with the grace of God and a courageous heart. 

Dad was right...

2020 Random Thoughts

 Its probably a universal statement said countless times around the world: "2020 is a S#?TSHOW!!!". So, there, I said it....and for me, personally, it has. Its been trying. A few highlights:

• I was in Germany back in March, questioning the reasons why I was there as the world seemed like it was teetering towards the unknown. My questions were validated halfway through the trip when President Trump announced he was banning all travel from Europe to the U.S.. A mad dash to get out of the country was followed by 2 weeks of quarantine....and that was just the beginning of the whole world turning upside down. 
• In February, my cat Fiona died. She was sickly so it wasn't a surprise. 13 years old. But at least I had my favorite cat in the whole world, Punkin, still around....until....
• In April, Punkin suddenly died from what I guess to be a heart attack. He was a fat sucker. But he was the best pet I've ever had. A heartbreaking loss in a time where loss seems to be a constant. 

Per earlier posts, I lost my father in September 2019, 16 months after I lost my sister. All this loss has, surprisingly, taken a mental and emotional toll on me. I say surprisingly because I felt I was better prepared for death. In hindsight, that was a silly assumption. How does anyone in this society, where we never talk about death and pretend that youth and vitality are forever, cope with death when it actually happens? I must acknowledge that the weight of loss and the voids have left me struggling with fear, anger, and self pity. I could go on about this but, in short, I'm working on getting to a new normal where the void left by my Dad, sister, and, yes, my two cats is coped with. 

On a lighter note, my daughter is about to give birth to her first child, a son. This will be my 5th grandchild and I must say I adore being a grandparent. This latest grandchild will be named Bjorn Brun Imberg, the middle name being a tribute to my father. It almost seems balancing that Bjorn will be born just over a year since my father passed away. 

On a musical note, I've been stockpiling some music for release. Not sure when or on what platform but...something musical strange this way cometh.....

Fear

...and yet again, there is another set of horrific events, perpetrated by people using religion as justification, that has horrified the world....and yet again, there are calls to retaliate....and calls to arms....and calls to keep the "them" away from the "us". Social media is a awash with posts about whose fault it is that ISIS/ISIL/whateverthehelltheycallthemselves exists or hasn't been squashed yet, how Islam must be stopped, how Bush/Cheney created the conditions for ISIS, and/or how Obama has screwed up everything up....and blah....blah....blah.

In a word: Fear. A lot of people around the world are afraid. That manifests in anger more often than not. But fear is the underlying driver. And that is to be expected. But it is exhausting. Personally, I fear the fearful as much as anything. Its times like these that the "not so better angels" among us get a foothold in the collective psyche.

As much as I would like to add my own $0.02 to the discussion about how we got to this point in human affairs (I will only say "dig deeper and look at the evolution of history beyond just your own lifetime"), I will try to refrain as that would, in the end, only be my variation of processing the fear.

Rather than participate in the fear, I'm going to see what I can do today as I sit in a hotel room far from home on a rainy Oregon Sunday...do something that, at the least, won't contribute to the fear and negativity.....like find a church near by and attend amongst strangers....buy a homeless person lunch...go to Powells book store and buy a book...go see the Peanuts movie...meditate...listen to John Coltrane...and PRAY.....

Yes, I'll pray for Paris (like 99% of Twitter/Facebook-land seems to be doing), but I'll pray for Beirut as well.....and for Russia......and for Syria......and the refugees fleeing Syria....and for Libya....and for Israel....and for the Eagles of Death Metal....and for ISIS (yup, I went there, just like Jesus told me to do)....I'll pray for the whole damned world (i.e. "us")....

Yup, that's what I'm choosing to do today.