Oh The Memories.....

The above picture is of one of my former bands, Bad Weapons. I believe this is circa 1988. These photos were recently developed from negatives that were sitting in my drawer for over 25 years. Only last week did I lay eyes on them for the 1^st time since they were taken (big thank you to Charlie, the bass player, 2nd from the right, for having these photos developed and sharing them).

When I 1^st saw them, I was amazed and excited to see them. This was from a time when I was of an age where the future was to be seized and possibilities were supposedly limitless. I was a budding wannabe Rock star waiting for my turn at stardom and all the perks such a life was supposed to have (i.e. sex, drugs, etc). However, as I continued to look at them, a myriad of memories came rushing back to me, some very unpleasant and uncomfortable.

I won’t go into detail on the exact nature of some of the memories as they are personal and involve people that may not want to have such things drudged up. But I will say these photos were taken at the beginning of a period in my life that would devolve into a personal dark place that ultimately caused me to re-evaluate the direction of my life.

The dilapidated building we are leaning against was our band’s rehearsal studio. It was a former chicken-feed processing place outside Petaluma, CA. I wish I can say we spent all our hours there honing our Rock and Roll skills to a fine point. But, while we did spend a fair amount of time rehearsing, writing songs, and such, we spent far more of our time getting loaded. Eventually, and due in part to my own behavior, that place would double as my home for 1 year. While there are funny moments I recall from that time, such as putting together an outdoor shower with some 2x4’s, plastic tarp, and a garden hose, there are far more less-than-pleasant memories that I had not spent too much time thinking until I saw these pictures.

And that brings me to the point: Memories are powerful things. Coupled with a history, they evolve in perception as one becomes (hopefully) wiser and experienced. The memories these pictures evoke in the 2015 version of me are completely different than what they would have evoked had I saw these 10 years ago, 15 years ago….25 years ago.  The memories today are far more complex but, at the same time, meaningful. I see a more complete picture of who I was back then in the light of the man I’ve become. A big difference with these pictures compared to other pictures of my past is the specific pivotal point of my life in which these were taken. Whereas, if I see a baby picture or one from grade school, there is a recalled sense of innocence. With these pictures, not only has the innocence been lost, but there is a recollection of the misguided bravado of young adulthood mixed with a growing sense of dysfunction and loss. It’s hard to articulate but it’s a peculiar experience to see these photos again.

I will say that, having gone through the dark period that I was about to embark on at the time of these photos yielded several life-altering decisions and experiences. One, in particular, is worth sharing.

On December 7^th, 1991, we were to rehearse at the “studio” pictured above for a very important show. On that particular night, Corey, our singer, decided to skip practice. This was not the 1^st time this happened but, on that particular night, his absence infuriated me. Perhaps, my anger was fueled by growing difference between us that started the year prior when I made the decision to stop drinking/partying.  As is often the case, relationships that were based on mutual debauchery tend to become strained if one of the parties in the relationship decides to “clean up”. But, that said, I looked at our ongoing relationship as a musical necessity as well as I wanted to maintain a friendship. However, skipping practice that particular night was not going to go unchallenged.

So….I drove to the bar I suspected he was hanging out and…sure enough, there he was!!!!  As the bar was crowded, I wasn’t going to confront him there but I would wait him out. In the course of waiting, I came to meet a beautiful Filipina woman, albeit in an unusual way in that she almost burned my hair with a lit cigarette. Long story short….this was the 1^st time I met the future Lilian Imberg, my wife. We (Corey, I, Lilian, and our drummer) ended up going back to our studio to do a half ass rehearsal. From there, Lilian and I spent the rest of the night talking (no hanky panky) and getting to know each other. In a nutshell, I met the love of my life.

All that said, I suppose the point of the rant is that these pictures represent so much more than just a promotional picture of a band I was once in. They are glimpses to the most pivotal 3 years of my life, where I experienced the pain and despair, but also some fun, and, ultimately, met the woman I would marry and create an amazing family with.

Funny how life works……

My Musical "Rosetta Stone"

The term "Rosetta Stone" (I'm omitting reference to the popular language learning software) has two meanings in the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

1. :  a black basalt stone found in 1799 that bears an inscription in hieroglyphics, demotic characters, and Greek and is celebrated for having given the first clue to the decipherment of Egyptian hieroglyphics
2. :  one that gives a clue to understanding

The actual Rosetta Stone in the 1st definition gave birth to the 2nd definition as a common reference in a variety of topics. 

On a personal level, I often refer to the band Led Zeppelin as my musical "Rosetta Stone" because, aside from them being my all time favorite band in the world, they have directed me in directions of musical exploration that no other Rock band could do, thus giving me "clues to understanding" a much wider range of music than just "Rock and Roll". 

In my youth, my initial love affair was split between hard Rock/Metal (e.g. Kiss, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, UFO, Iron Maiden) and 70's electronic music (e.g. Tangerine Dream, Vangelis). A somewhat varied interest for a pre-teen American kid but nothing exotic. As I grew older and more rebellious, my taste gravitated toward heavier stuff like Metallica, Megadeth, and so on. Again, nothing out of the ordinary though I did think of myself as something of a Heavy Metal snob and purest. But that would change when I fell in love with Led Zeppelin. 

My initial exposure to Zeppelin was pretty typical of kids of my generation. It was via FM radio and the ubiquitous presence of "Stairway to Heaven". It was a song I liked but, at the same time, I viewed Zeppelin as the previous generations music. My early high school years was the early 1980's. Led Zeppelin had already disbanded following the tragic death of John Bonham. I did buy the album "Led Zeppelin IV/Untitled" and must admit that it was not the "soul grabber" it would become, mainly because it wasn't as heavy as the stuff I was immersed in at the time. In hindsight, it had way more depth in the songwriting, musicianship, and production than I could appreciate at the time. I was a full on testosterone-fueled, Metalhead at this point and subtlety was being lost on my immature ears. But that would quickly change, thanks to another aspect of my misspent youth. 

The town I lived in during my high school years, Petaluma, CA, had an old movie theater called The Plaza (now The Mystic theater which is presently a great live venue). They would specialize in playing old movies throughout the week. Weekdays would be "art house" type movies with an occasional classic porn movie. Weekends usually catered to the younger crowd with showings of "Rocky Horror Picture Show", "Monty Python", and Rock movies from the 70's and 80's. A regular feature a couple of times a year was "The Song Remain's the Same", the 1976 concert/concept movie featuring Led Zeppelin. 

One Friday night, my friends and I went to such a pairing of "The Wall" and "The Song...". The movie was preceded by some teenage "partying" so that our mental state was suited for the experience (I'm not kidding when I say I had a misspent youth). I remember being in awe of The Wall on the big screen but the life-altering moment was seeing "Song Remains the Same". 

The movie was crafted to be a "mind blowing" experience anyways but I just remember seeing Jimmy Page on the big screen doing what Jimmy Page does: being the coolest, most bad-ass Rock god on the planet and being completely blown away. The band as a whole was so much cooler than anything I've seen before or since. But it was the depth of the music that hooked me. Everything from the howling minor blues of "Since I've Been Loving You" to the bombast of "Rock and Roll" to the beautiful "Rain Song". It was dynamics galore delivered with such power, competence, and attitude. Two pivotal moments in that movie was "Dazed and Confused" (major improve jamming that seemed to go on forever...in a terrific way) and "Whole Lotta Love". In both songs, Page did things musically that transcended typical Rock forms, using a bow and a Theremin to literally transport the listener to someplace far, far, away. Just epic soundscapes that were not what I would expect from a Rock band.  

Following that experience, I went back to my copy of LZ IV with renewed interest and listened very intently and fell in love. Then I bought "Physical Graffiti", then LZ I, then "Houses of the Holy", and so so and so forth, digesting the entire Zeppelin catalog. 

What blew me away the most (and continues to amaze me to this day) is the stylistic variation these guys delivered while still maintaining the "context" of a Rock and Roll band. The acoustic, folk influences, the Arabic flavors, the ethereal elements in the production, the use of drones and ambiance, and, of course, the Blues.  All these elements started me on a path of musical exploration that continues to this day. 

Through Zeppelin, I became fascinated with Moroccan, Celtic, American Folk, Country, Indian, and Blues music. Just glancing at my iPod right now, I have music by Bachir Attar (Moroccan), Ravi Shankar (Indian), Robert Johnson (Blues), Townes Van Zandt (Country) and so on and I can recall the exact sequence of discovery that led me to fall in love with these and so many other artists that all goes, quite literally, back to Led Zeppelin. And, of course, not forsaking my love of hard Rock, Zeppelin does a pretty decent job at satisfying that craving too. 

I can truly say that the majority of the nearly 1000 titles of music I possess in my record/CD/tape/digital collection I have is either directly or in directly due to Led Zeppelin. In that regard, they are truly my musical "Rosetta Stone". 

My 1st Trip to a Muslim Country

In January, I visited Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 2 weeks. What follows is an accounting of the trip and some take-away observations.

This was a trip planned for several months but was delayed due to logistics. The months leading up to the trip were, I must admit, tense due to, in no small part, the regular travel warnings that the U.S. State Dept. sends out to holders of Saudi Arabian visas. Such warnings include "suspected religious fundamentalist killed a Norwegian citizen near an IKEA" (this was an actual warning). They follow the notice with a statement that reads: "If you can't change your travel plans, it is suggested to avoid crowds,.....". The implied statement is "DON'T GO!". There is indeed a significant element of Islamic fundamentalism in Saudi Arabia, the home of Wahhabi-ism, and, though the government (i.e. royal family) has strong ties to America, there is a powerful group of people in that country that dislike both the American government and the royal family. But, that said, the aforementioned warning could have been as much a hostile reaction by a Saudi towards Scandinavians because they hate IKEA stores. In any case, I had to quell fears that these warnings created, reminding myself that of the many places I've traveled to, the element of uncertainty always gave way to personal revelation and affirmation of the common goodness of people (not to say there aren't bad ones but a core belief I hold is that the overwhelming amount of people on the planet aren't malicious, that "better angels" win the day).

State Dept-induced fear aside, I was interested to experience visiting a Muslim country. Islamic culture is a fascinating mystery to me. I know we in the West get a skewed and simplistic perspective of the culture if we limit our understanding to what the popular media gives us. But I have, over the years, grown to love music that originates from Muslim cultures (e.g. Hamza El Din, Kayhan Kahlor, The Faran Ensemble) as well was poetry (Rumi) and art. I know I've only scratched the surface of the cultural offers of the Muslim world. Logic dictates that there is much more cultural diversity and variation than can be understood from afar which made me keen to get a glimpse 1st hand.

Prior to my arrival in Jeddah, I had a 12 hour layover in Dubai. The contrast between Dubai and Jeddah, in hindsight, was significant. Whereas Jeddah had much an austere feel to it, being the primary gateway to Mecca, Dubai was much more cosmopolitan and liberal in feel. It certainly felt to live up to the unofficial title of "The Gateway to the East". The city had the appearance of growing rapidly with lots of construction and very modern architecture. I understand that, while a Muslim society, it was much more liberal in its acceptance of "vice".

While waiting for my flight to Jeddah, I was struck by the variation in ethnicity and clothing at the airport. While the majority was dressed in some manner of traditional Muslim clothing (particularly the women), there was quite a contrast from the very simple to the very elaborate. Again, my take was that Muslim culture is as non-homogeneous as any other broad-based culture.

Because Jeddah is the primary entry way to Mecca (holiest city in Islam), the vast majority (i.e. everyone but me apparently) of travelers going from Dubai to Jeddah were pilgrims in the midst of their Umrah pilgrimage, a religious rite similar to the annual Hajj rite but can be done any time of year. From what I gathered, there were Pakistani, Kuwait, and Indonesian pilgrims on my particular flight. I was literally the only passenger on the plane not a pilgrim (as confirmed by the flight attendant).

Upon arrival, I had to traverse through customs, as is the case everywhere. The one benefit of not being a Muslim pilgrim was the fact I didn't have to go through the designated "Pilgrims" line in custom which was VERY long. Apparently, the Saudi government has a logistical nightmare on their hands with being the keepers of the holiest sites in Islam. For religious reasons, they have to grant access to those sites to all Muslims, regardless of country of origin. But for political reasons, they have to exercise caution because not all Muslim countries are friendly to Saudi Arabia (e.g. Iran). So the visa process is extensive. For Western business travelers, it appears a bit easier to enter the country. But, that said, there is a very strict ban on alcohol so my luggage was subject to search. I had to explain that the Kelloggs protein bars I brought with me did not contain alcohol.

Once through customs, I was taken by a taxi to the Intercontinental Hotel which is owned by the parent company of Holiday Inn. The hotel was opulent by my standards (e.g. ornamental furniture in the lobby dating back to the 17th century) with security measures at the gate entrance that appeared excessive but wasn't going to be question by me.

About a 1/4 mile from the hotel, I noted a huge water fountain that jetted water hundreds of feet into the air. This was King Fahd's Fountain and was impressive.

I wish I could say I did lots of touristy stuff and ventured about....but I was there for work and was dissuaded from going anywhere without a local escort. That said, I found the obvious differences in daily life fascinating. Some examples:

• There are 6 designated prayer times for Muslims. The times are dictated by the lunar phase so that differ slightly be day and region. The 1st call to prayer happens before dawn with various calls from the mosques in the areas filling the air. Adherence to these prayers times are strongly encouraged for Muslims and life is pretty much halted. During the prayer times of daylight hours, businesses will shut down for the 15-20 minutes and the majority of the people I saw or encountered would dutifully go to the appropriate place and pray. Prayers are to be directed towards Mecca. In my hotel, there was a convenient sign with the arrow that pointed in the direction of Mecca. Non-Muslims aren't expected to pray so I was given a pass.
• Most Saudi women adhered to wearing veils and head covering (hijab?). It is considered to be inappropriate for a male to be in close quarters with a women not related to them. I found this out by mistake when I got into the hotel elevator with a Saudi women who clearly felt uncomfortable with my presence, based on her body language (she literally turn her back to me....most awkward elevator ride of my life). 
• Pork is a dietary no-no. While the hotel I stayed at had Western breakfasts, the only bacon or sausage to be had was made of turkey or lamb. 
• Most of the people who do manual labor in Saudi Arabia are foreign nationals. Many Pakistanis and Filipinos there. The folks I was working with were Pakistani. Exceptionally kind gentlemen that treated my with tremendous hospitality. 
• My Saudi host treated me to a traditional Saudi meal of slow-roasted goat, served on rice with saffron. We literally got the whole goat. Dining was done on the floor in a very communal fashion. It was one of the best meals I have ever eaten.
• I had several conversations with my hosts about religion. We had very nice, substantive conversations about Islam, Christianity, the differences and the similarities. These conversations confirmed my belief that there is always so much more commonality between people than differences. We in the West tend to get a very simplistic and negative impression about Islam. To be sure, much of the negative impressions we get are well-found by acts of terrorism and fundamental fanaticism. But those impressions are based on the actions of a minority of Muslims. The manner and hospitality of my hosts clarified that there are Muslims (I suspect the majority) of good-will and good cheer. 

Overall, the trip was very nice. I only got a small glimpse into the Saudi and Islamic world but it was an enriching glimpse and one I'm most grateful to have had.

My sincere thanks to Youseff,  Hassan, Mr. Delawi, and crew for your friendship and hospitality. I hope to return the favor.

2014 in Review

I don't typically buy into the notion that one block of 365 days (a.k.a. a year) is any better or worse than another. I try to live my life in the moment, day by day. As such, some days are better than others. But I try not to look back with any longing or regrets. This is, in part, due to having made attempts to reconcile any "unfinished" business from my past as well as keeping the present in order as best I can.

However, that said, I must admit to the feeling that this most recent semi-arbitrary block of 365 days (a.k.a. 2014) has been, as a whole, a royal pain in my ass! Circumstances arose in the course of the year (that I can't and won't  go into detail about) which created much uncomfortable transition in the lives of many friends and family. There were more than a few "farewells" said this past year as a result.....which, frankly, sucked!

I won't say that 2014, as a whole, sucked. But there were certainly circumstances and situations that I would have rather avoided. And this brings me the the point.....Change.

I can only speak for myself but I suspect aversion to change is common. Logically, I understand that change is inevitable and permanence is an illusion. But, when it comes to friendships and relationships of emotional substance, change to said relationships that results is separation and departure is unavoidably uncomfortable. This past year has had its share of such discomfort.

I would like to say that I'm philosophically "OK" with such changes, that I'm the wiser for such changes.....but that would be a lie. While I'm not destroyed by changes, I do strongly wish such changes were avoidable, that there was a reset button or someway to undo....but that's immature thinking on my part.

 I'm finding it difficult to not have resentments towards those that created the circumstances that trigger the changes. But, I do realize, again logically, that any resentments I hold are of my doing. As much as I'd like to wave a magic wand and change things back to they way they were, I can't. And being resentful about the situation only hurts me in the long run.

So, while I'm still struggling with the changes, I'm choosing to look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Today, is better than yesterday (the day before, however, not so much). But life is a day to day thing. 2015, I hope, will be, as a whole, a better clump of 365 days  than 2014. But.....I'll work on today, let go of the past beyond what I can learn from, and plow on. And I will cherish every relationship in my life, knowing that the unforeseen can change things quickly.

Happy New Year.

Hello.....again

Its been awhile since I've posted here, in part due to a relentless travel schedule. But I will re-ignite the blogger flame and resume sharing thoughts and experiences from the perspective of a idiosyncratic musician/wanderer/spiritual schlep.

New post to come shortly.......no really.....I'm serious.....

I was a closet conservative once.....

I have a confession.

In the 90’s, I intellectually explored various, political philosophies and view points that were seemingly in conflict with those I was raised with (call it “political rebellion”). Coming from what can be termed a “liberal” family background (albeit more a-political than activist), I explored areas which would be in contradiction to my familial history. I became a listener of the likes of Rush Limbaugh, even subscribing to his newsletter for one year. I became a reader of “The National Review” and columnist such as George Will and Cal Thomas. There was (and still is) aspects of what is termed as conservative thought I found agreement with. The belief that government can be an impediment to personal liberty has resonance with me. At one point, even the prevalent conservative implication that everything not conservative is liberal and, thus, bad, started sounding logical but would be challenged and revealed as a fallacy in my eyes in the light of global events of 2001-2003.

A life-long bedrock belief I hold is that war and violence are evil and in direct contradiction to the ideal spiritual state of man (not to be confused with the actual state of mankind). I won’t go so far as to say I’m a pacifist as I've not mastered the ability to 100% “turn the other cheek”. But as a Christian, a “cold war child”, and a life-long admirer of M.K. Gandhi, I believe in totality that non-violence is mankind’s only hope of survival in this age where technological advances outpace spiritual evolution.

In 1998, my political exploration of conservative thought began to conflict with my non-violence beliefs when I read statements by the “Project for The New American Century” (PNAC), a conservative organization seeking to advance American foreign policy beyond the immediate post-cold war era. In essence, many of their positions was to take advantage of the period following the fall of the Soviet Union where the United States stood as the lone global super power. Several members of this organization would later be key members of the Bush Administration where they would be named “Neo Cons”. Several of their position papers were the ground work for George Bush’s foreign policy and advocated unilateral action that “purposefully promotes American principles abroad” with the belief that what’s good for America is good for the whole world.

While its now easy, with the Iraq war in hindsight, to have pause with the assumptions of the PNAC, I truthfully say I found reason for concern when their positions were 1st published. In particular, the assumptions about the Middle East were particularly troubling given the historical track record of other nations that have tried and failed to sway the political landscape of that region. Being a reader of history, I questioned how the United States could do any better than the British or French (to only name the most recent attempts) at molding the region towards their interests.

In the climate immediately following the attacks of 11-September 2001, I found myself being very conflicted and concerned by conservative voices that became avid “cheerleaders” for the idea that we needed to exert our military and political will abroad, particularly in Iraq. I found it perplexing that while the Bush Administration was making its strong case to invade Iraq based on the threat Saddam Hussein posed, the likes of Scott Ritter, part of the U.N. weapons inspection apparatus put in place following the 1991 Gulf War, was speaking loudly that Iraq had been disarmed of their weapons of mass destruction. When conservative pundits started discounting Mr. Ritter, a decorated Marine, as a “shill on the payroll of Saddam Hussein”, alarm bells started sounding in my head.

A moment of epiphany for me happened late in 2002 when I was listening to Sean Hannity on the car radio. At this point, the “war drums” were beating loudly and most of the U.S. political leadership and media was in line with the Bush Administration’s intent to “disarm Saddam”. Mr. Hannity implied that anyone opposed to the invasion of Iraq was siding with the enemy, and thus, a traitor. This pissed me off to the point I had to pull the car over to calm down. I wasn't to the point of certainty that Iraq was WMD-free but I did believe that a unilateral war without absolute proof was wrong, mis-guided, and would lead to much unnecessary death. And even with proof, being the aggressor and invader was wrong. I also believed that if the U.S. was going into Iraq, we would be there for a long time because, in spite of whatever noble intentions our government may have had, the true focus of American interest, per the PNAC, was economic with the regions primary resource (oil) our #1 concern. We would not be removing Saddam and then hitting the road. This was nation building which I was led to believe was a bad thing among conservative ideologues. I recall Rush Limbaugh saying in the mid-90’s, in response to one of Bill Clinton’s advocacy for intervention in the Balkans and the use of soldiers as peacekeepers, “armies are good for only 1 thing, war”. I agree with that statement. Soldiers are historically not administrators of services, police officers, etc. They are good at fighting. That’s what they do. The notion that we would invade Iraq, lay the seeds of democracy, rebuild everything destroyed, be greeted as liberators, and (most ridiculous), that the Iraqi’s would pay for the cost, seemed ludicrous to me then and has proven to be incredibly erroneous. (By the way, with our current economic debt situation, why isn’t anyone loudly complaining of the 1 trillion dollar price tag of the Iraq war?)

I can go on and on about the Iraq war but, from a personal perspective, its served to enlighten me in a few areas. I learned that line between “conservative” and “liberal” is not as delineated as hard-core partisans on either side of that divide would lead you to believe. I learned that I strongly oppose the militaristic tendency of many self-professed conservatives which, I supposed, makes me “not conservative”. I learned, via sharing a plane ride with a family who was escorting their deceased soldier son (who was in the cargo hold in a flag-draped casket) that the consequences of going to war were tangible and tragic. But I’ve also learned to look beyond labels. When someone says “I’m conservative” or “I’m progressive”, I immediately question “what does that mean?”. Labels can be very effective at delineating between “us” and “them” and, as someone who, above all else, believes in God’s will for love and charity for ALL, I’m doing my best to do away with the “them” part and focus on “us” and “me”.

Random Thoughts of a World Traveller

Starting in 2005, I have averaged over 125,000 air-miles a year in travel for my day job. In addition to that, I have driven back-forth from my home in Northern Kentucky to Detroit, Chicago, and Nashville more times than I can count. In short, I get around.

Its all too easy for me to complain about the traveling life and there is plenty to be negative about. Airports, crowds, lost baggage, flight delays, poor hotel service, loneliness, etc, etc. And the nature of my travel is not leisurely. I don't get to sight-see and the goal of my travel is to get the job done so I can get back to my family.

That being said, however, there is plenty to be grateful for. I've been to places and done things I never thought I'd see/do. I've been to China and got a glimpse of the amazing Chinese culture. I've been to Germany and seen a cathedral the pre-dates the age of my country by 500 years. I've walked into the wrong bathroom in Brazil. I've been to Argentina, Mexico, and Columbia and discovered the huge differences in culture between those former Spanish colonial interests. I've literally set foot in the Atlantic and Pacific ocean in the same week. I've flown from a winter storm in one hemisphere into the heat of summer in another hemisphere. I can go on and on.

At the risk of sounding "touchy-feely", however, the one thing I'm most grateful for is confirmation in the truth that people have far more in common than not. When you strip away politics, economics, language, and culture, you are left with people who want the same basics: love, comfort, peace. I find this very comforting. I've been the benefactor of hospitality and friendship all over the world and found kinship globally. Yes, I've encountered "assholes" in my travels as well and can confirm that being a jerk transcends national boundaries as well (in fact, I've been guilty of being an American ambassador of bad behavior). But so too does compassion and empathy transcend borders and thank God for that as it takes the edge off of being an outsider within another "tribe".

As I wrap up another calendar year of travel and pack my bags for another trip to Brazil next week, I take stock of this existence I've stumbled into, focusing on the positives. I look forward to seeing my Brazilian friends again, sharing some laughs over meals, and doing my best to get the job done so I can get home to partake in the love, comfort, and peace found within my own tribe.

I wish everyone everywhere a joyous and peaceful 2013.

Baby's and Bathwater

There seems a societal pull to choose sides in all walks of life, as if everything is black/white, good/bad, prudent/excessive, liberal/conservative.....and requires labeling and classification. The most obvious arenas where this pull is evident is religion and politics. But it's present in the arts and culture as well.

The older I get, the more I learn and relearn that absolutes are the exception and not the rule.

I try to live my life being informed by honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness and develop opinions accordingly. I have what some might consider varied political, religious, spiritual, and cultural opinions. I have been accused of being "wishy washy" by those more entrenched in their views. I dispute that claim as that implies that I haven't expended intellectual energy before arriving at my opinions. But as this accusation comes from a perspective that holds to perceived absolutes, I accept the fact that we will need to "agree to disagree".

One absolute that I do subscribe to is that impermanence is a constant. Circumstances change. Environments change. People change and grow old. Societies evolve/devolve as do theories. Time has a way of doing that. So I try to keep an open mind. I try to look at all perspectives, looking at wisdom from the past that endures to inform the present. I seek enrichment from sources that have been labeled as one extreme or another or considered incompatible. In a term, I don't "throw the baby out with the bathwater".

Case-in-point #1: I am a Christian. (Some would say a "liberal Christian" or "progressive Christian" or even a heretic. But, for the sake of this point....Christian). The teachings of Jesus are a primary focus of how I lead my life (no surprise). However, I would have not have taken a path towards Christianity if I hadn't read the writings of The Dalai Lama (Buddhist) or M.K. Gandhi (Hindu). Long story but it was specific books from those non-Christians that led me down a path that led me to be baptized a Christian. I found wonderful ideas and perspectives articulated by those men that informed my viewpoints greatly. Now, I've encountered Christians who discount spiritual viewpoints from non-Christians immediately because of adherence to dogma and shut themselves from viewpoints and ideas that can be enriching. I don't understand this but so be it.

Case-in-point #2: I'm a musician as well as a music fanatic. I LOVE music!. If I had to sacrifice 4 of my 5 senses, I'd opt to leave my ears intact. I love music from all corners. I love to follow the historical and stylistic connections of artists that inspire me and "discover" things. I love Led Zeppelin AND Philip Glass, God Speed You Black Emperor AND John Coltrane, Steve Roach AND Mozart, Johnny Cash AND Daby Toure. I don't care about genre or crap like that. Its either good or bad to my taste (and there is a lot of stuff I can't stand as well). But GOOD LORD, have I had to deal with some incredulous reactions from people who can't understand how I can like "wholesome" music like The Carter Family and have Slayer on the same Ipod, as if somehow one is going to soil the other by proximity. But, anyhow, it has been the lifelong pursuit of musical discovery/investigation that has enriched my life immeasurably. I could not imagine being just a "genre snob" or limiting myself to what is on the Top 10.

I'm not critical of view points that are more entrenched than mine. Live and let live. I know in matters of right/wrong, I've been both. I know in matters more subjective, my viewpoint doesn't work for anyone else but me. I guess all I'm saying is that I've been rewarded by my occasional willingness splash around that messy used bath water in search of the precious. And I recommend it....come on in, the water is...er....FINE!

Healthcare

I'm all for capitalism provided that its done with a mooring of ethics (yes, I can hear the laughter now). However, I believe healthcare is something that shouldn't be part of the profit-motive equation. I don't know if Obamacare is going to make a shit of difference but its now painfully and personally clear to me that the current system is way broken.

Case-in-point #1: My daughter is being treated at a facility. I have been insured by the same insurance company since 1992 and have the most comprehensive policy they offer. No one in my family to this point has had a serious (i.e. expensive) illness or injury until now. Because of the nature of my daughter's ailment, my insurance will cover only a percentage of the cost which, in a very short period, has gone into thousands of dollars. What little savings we have is now gone.

Case-in-point #2: My wife's uncle suffered a stroke a month ago and has been comatose since. Because of the incredible mounting cost of care, my in-law's are opting to pay to move him to the NEXT STATE 4 hours away to go to a cheaper facility.

I'm not cheerleading Obama's still-pending healthcare reform though I applaud the direction he's trying to inch us towards. As stated before, I think its too little too late. But conservatives in congress as well as the talking media heads (i.e. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity) are plain WRONG when saying that the U.S. medical systems is "the best in the world". What good are all the wonderful medical advances that our current system purportedly creates when no one other than the rich (like the aforementioned) can afford them?

From Dark to Light (or "How did a Metalhead become a Contemplative?")

On April 1st and 2nd, I performed my Ambient guitar music as part of the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services at St. John United Church of Christ at Bellevue. Both performances were wonderful and all too brief opportunities to put my music in the best live context possible which is a spiritually motivated, contemplative/reverant setting.

This is quite a contrast from what I thought was the "ideal" setting for my music some 20 years ago when I was playing in Heavy Metal bands in the SF Bay Area. Then, it was about sweaty clubs with drunken attendees, hopefully some "loose" women, and maximum volume to display our "ROCK OUT WITH YOUR C#$K OUT" attitude. Somewhere between then and now, something's changed (duh!).

After the Good Friday performance, I was asked about my music (what's my inspriation, have I always played that type of music). That got me re-examining my musical journey, which is directly linked with my personal journey. While I won't revisit every step of my journey between my "Metal Days" of the late 80's/early 90's to now, I can point to one period in that journey as the turning point, a point I call my "Spiritual Ephiphany". That would be the winter of 1990.

When I say "Spiritual Ephiphany", I don't mean that God spoke to me in an audible voice or that a shining light (e.g. "The Blues Brothers") showed me the way to some higher awareness. Nothing like that at all. It was, rather, a period of time, prompted by a series of events, that led me to a point of such great physical, mental, and spiritual pain, that I realized something had to change on a deep level with me if I was going to find some relief.

Now, you might be saying, "what's that got to do with your music?". Well.......EVERYTHING! Like I said, I'm going to spare you the details but when I made a decision to make a fundamental change in my life, all sorts of "dominos" starting falling in my life, and for the better. It didn't happen over night. I didn't just all of a sudden "find God". Rather, I made the simple decision that I was going to learn how to live a life that wasn't detrimental to my or anyone elses well-being. As I began progressing down the path based on that decision, my priorities and inclinations began to change and this included the inspiration stimulus for my creativity.

In many conversations I've had over the years regarding the contrast in my music between "then and now", I've been asked if I just all-of-a-sudden went from Metal to Ambient, as if I wasn't capable of contemplative music then or "metal-trashing-mad" music now. I have always been a fan of both extremes as well as the many other "shades of color" in the musical spectrum. When I was a kid of 11 years old, my 1st two favorites albums was Kiss' "Alive" AND Vangelis' "Heaven and Hell". I suppose the main difference is that I respond more to different inspirational stimulus that I did back then and that stimulus is more from the "spiritual" realm than the "material" realm. Yeah, I know, sounds a little "airy-fairy" but...whatever.

If anyone has paid attention to the titles of my music, they can pick up on my fascination with the contrasts and contradictions that are evident in life. Some people go back and forth between extremes on a regular basis. Some don't know or care about the difference. Some are content to life in the middle of those extremes. I can point to a specific point in my life where I made a concerted effort to quit lingering in the dark and start walking to the light, all the while, trying to pay attention to where I've been and where I'm going. I sometimes trip and fall backwards and I'm not the most articulate in describing the journey but......I'm still walking.

Random Thoughts in the post-Health Care Debate/Pre-Holy Week Moment

On this early Spring day, I'm struck with a few observations made over the past week.

I can understand the division of opinion regarding the just-passed health care reform. It only looks like Congress, Obama, and a few Democrats are happy with it. Many Liberals think the whole thing is a waste of time with the only winners being the insurance companies. But "Conservatives" (and I use that term loosely because what passes for mainline conservatism in the U.S. today hardly resembles the conservatism as advocated by the father of modern American conservatism, Barry Goldwater) are getting ridiculous in their anger. It is absolutely cool to have debate and disagreement but when it gets to the point of threats, "sky is falling" predictions, and just irrational behavior, then maybe its time to take a few breathes and examine one's motives. And isn't it ironic that that same provisions in this bill were advocated by Republicans back in the early 90's as an alternative to the Clinton health care reform proposals?

My own opinion is that this bill is not going to change things for me a whole lot. There are still loop holes for insurance companies to deny coverage. And those insurance companies are still going to get richer and richer. In fact, the law mandates that everyone goes to the insurance companies or gets penalized. I wish someone would pass a law stating that everyone has to buy my CD's. I could live with that. It will probably cost more than is stated right now. And, yes, I do believe this country is heading towards an economic reckoning that may be hastened along by this bill. However, that reckoning has been decades in the making. The fact that the "Conservatives" are blaming Obama for our financial woes is intentional ignorance and denial. Know your history. Take a look at the economic policies/actions of every administration going back to Kennedy and you'll see the "cause and effects dominoes" go back quite a ways. And, yes, that would include that pillar of conservatism, Reagan.

And here's some Easter related thoughts (kinda):

I just got done reading "The Shack". A good fiction story with a very cool depiction of "The Holy Trinity". I won't give too much away but, for much of the book, God is manifested in the form of a big, jolly, black woman. Apparently, that has created lots of controversy. Personally, I believe God takes the form of anything/everything/nothing. If he/she was to manifest as a big black woman, I would be alright with that. To book also touches on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross in a manner that makes good sense in modern terms. Check out the book.